


Toasted Nuts

by Thealmostrhetoricalquestion



Series: Rarepair Bingo [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Lube, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 21:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14601660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion/pseuds/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion
Summary: Teddy’s never paused in the middle of sex before, especially not when that sex involves James.There’s a first time for everything, though.





	Toasted Nuts

**Author's Note:**

> Jeddy, for the prompt, "How many different kinds of lube do you have?" <3
> 
> Please note this is written by an ace who has no idea how to write anything close to smut, so this is as far from sexy as possible :D

Teddy’s never paused in the middle of sex before, especially not when that sex involves James. 

There’s a first time for everything, though. 

“How many different kinds of lube do you have?” Teddy asks, staring blankly at the open drawer. There are colourful bottles crammed tightly into every corner, and it explains why all of James’s stuff is piled up next to the bed instead of tucked messily inside the drawer. Teddy had wondered when he tripped over it earlier, but he had been too busy kissing James to ask. 

James cranes his neck up off the pillow, flushed and red-lipped. Teddy gets distracted by the way he moves under him, groaning slightly, and James aims a wicked grin in his direction before fishing out a random bottle. It bounces off Teddy’s bare chest and lands on the bedspread. 

“Toasted nuts,” Teddy reads aloud. He jerks back, staring in disgust at the bottle. “I’m not putting that anywhere near either of our cocks.”

“It promises the nuttiest nuts in the land,” James says, wiggling his eyebrows and cracking up at Teddy’s presumably horrified expression. Teddy forgets about the sex for a moment - a true miracle - and ignores James's whines in favour of emptying the drawer all over the bed. 

“Okay, mint chocolate chip and bubblegum, I can sort of get behind, but why the fuck do you have _bacon_ lube in here?”

James convulses underneath him, laughing so hard that it comes out as a handful of silent wheezes. Teddy prods him in the chest, right under his favourite cluster of freckles, the cluster that makes James forget to breathe when he presses kisses there. 

Teddy is loathe to clamber off James, but this needs investigating. James tries to pull him back with shamelessly grabby hands, but Teddy ducks away and stands beside the bed, rummaging through the pile of bottles. 

“Red Velvet Cake? _Ice Mice?_ Pumpkin juice? Where were you shopping?” He stares incredulously at the bottles, and then pauses and looks at James. “Was this what you were doing the other day, when I came home from work and you shut that catalogue really quickly?”

“No,” James says, but he’s grinning widely, and Teddy always, always knows when James is lying. 

He picks up another bottle and his shoulders drop as he reads the label. He turns it round to show James, and says, deadpan, “Weed flavoured lube?”

James starts to snicker, propping himself up on his elbows. “Albus actually found that one. I think I hurt his brain when I ordered it in front of him.”

Teddy drops the bottle with a roll of his eyes. “You still haven’t actually told me why you have so much lube?”

James shrugs. “There was a sale.”

Teddy eyes him. “You’re a shit liar, Jamie.”

James sighs and stands, reaching out as he steps close. His fingers travel the length of Teddy’s broad shoulders and down his chest, with just enough pressure not to tickle. 

“You’ve been so busy with that case from work recently, I figured you might be bored, you know, with me,” James says, trying for casual. “I thought this might spice things up a bit. Add some _flavour._ ”

Teddy digests this while James shifts nervously. 

“You spent Merlin knows how much money on lube to make sure I still wanted to have sex with you?” Teddy asks. 

James offers him a slightly sheepish look. “Maybe?”

“Jamie, love, I pretty much always want to have sex with you,” Teddy says, fondly exasperated. “In fact I think the only person on earth who apparently doesn’t know this is you. It’s why we’ve been kicked out of so many places, and why someone always sits between us at family stuff.”

He pulls James closer and kisses him hungrily, biting down on James’s lip until he makes that noise that Teddy loves so much. They both gasp as they break apart, and James grins slightly, a blush warming his freckle-stained cheeks. 

“I’ll just ask next time,” James says, stepping back a little, his nervousness forgotten. “Or maybe strip and sit in your lap until you get the idea.”

Teddy can feel his eyes darken as his hair turns purple. “Please do.”

James grins, cocky. 

“Well, not that I’m not enjoying the view,” James drawls, giving Teddy a slow once-over that makes him shudder, “but instead of staring at the lube, we could actually use some of it?”

Teddy pretends to think it over, and then he sighs like it’s a big burden and pushes James back on the bed. 

“Always, you idiot. But we’re not using the bacon lube.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you! <3


End file.
